I am a nurse

Today is International Nurses Day, and all over social media are 'handy selfies'; nurses smiling at the camera with 'I am a nurse' written on their hand.

We all have an acquaintance on social media that uploads happy family photos while on the brink of separation. And that is what this campaign makes me think of.

That friend, who looks glamorous, content and fulfilled can make onlookers wonder what they're doing wrong, and why they don't have that perfect life, even though we know it's really a falsehood. There's still something that leaves us wondering: will I ever be that happy?

Nursing is hard. Since being qualified, I've had to make a choice between looking after my patients, or looking after myself. I can't do both. Of course, I must choose my patients.

When I'm on my way to use the toilet, and I hear 'nurse?', I hold it and go to the patient. It's not their fault there isn't enough staff. Then at 4pm, I'll realise I haven't been to the toilet since before my shift started at 7am, and joke to a colleague about having a nurse's bladder. It won't be funny though when I develop kidney damage in my 30s.

When I need a break and sit in the staff room (assuming I'm lucky enough to have both a break and a staff room), I sit in silence for 20 minutes with my colleagues, all too exhausted to speak. I can work with the same nurse for a year, and never know her husband's name, or her holiday plans.

I watch every other profession get called in for their supervision, while I close the curtains to perform last offices on a patient I've nursed for 2 months. If I get upset, I'm either too sensitive or I'm naive. I give relatives a safe place to talk about their distress, but I'm never afforded that apparent luxury myself.

To then see happy, smiling selfies, with messages about how proud they are of what they do, it makes me wonder what exactly I'm missing? I'm not proud. I have compassion for my patients, but don't have time to show it. I am competent to bed bath my patients, but I have to hand that over to the healthcare assistants. I have a duty of care, but my manager tells me not everything has to be good; just good enough.

I spent 3 awful years training up to do a job that, in reality, is impossible. And then, I'm the person looking at everyone else's 'handy selfies', thinking about how I'm not proud to be a nurse.

Putting a shine on any aspect of life can make you feel better but, with the suicide rate among nurses rising, I feel that we need to take responsibility to tell it like it is. It isn't all positive. Everyone will struggle to cope at some point. We'll all wrestle with our consciences about going home on time when there's still work to be done. Let's just admit to it.